Unacceptable!

      Here’s some accountability for you, ladies. I got on the scale Friday… 184!!! *$#&@(!*#($*#@!*$#&*@&!@^&%#$$^

     I came storming out of the bathroom to my husband, “THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!” Cupcakes, candies, cake, and cookies for Valentine’s Day, along with my lack of will power and self-control, resulted in me gaining FOUR POUNDS last week. I am extremely disappointed with myself. My immediate reaction to this increase (the largest one week increase I have seen in YEARS) is: there is no way in hell I will be fat again! I have worked too hard to regain my health just to watch that scale go back up again.

     Now, typically, I would just know that Valentine’s (along with most other holidays) would result in a ‘temporary’ gain of a few pounds (partying = mouth-shoving). Therefore, I’d go WITHOUT weighing myself with the intention that I’ll make it up next week. I have never been one to feel down on myself throughout my weight-loss journey. My mother has raised me to be a proud and self-secure woman. Even when I weighed 300 pounds, I never saw myself as ‘fat’, ‘sloppy’, or ‘unhealthy’. My mother told me every day (and still tells me every time we talk) how beautiful I was/am and how thankful I should be for what I have. This brings me to my next question to all of you: how do you give yourself a good scolding and say, “what the hell are you doing” WITHOUT beating yourself up to the point that you’re unhappy with yourself and your own body image?

     I must admit, the more weight I lost along my journey, the more addicted I was to everything that came along with it. The health and FEELING so much better was a huge part of it. I could walk without heavy-breathing and unattractive levels of body perspiration. My chest pains went away. I also got to buy brand new clothes and felt so much better-looking in my own skin. I got SO many compliments from everyone around me, “Wow, have you lost weight?! You look great!”, which eventually turned into folks I had not seen in QUITE some time saying, “Oh my god, I barely even recognized you! You look amazing!”  Every time I got on the scale, I was either the same as the prior week or LESS than the prior week. The scale NEVER went up after I started… until I got pregnant with my son.

     At my lowest, 169 pounds (I’m 5’10” by the way), my husband started to wonder what weight I was going to stop at. A number?! What number?! I did not want to stop- it still looked like I had more to lose! Then I started to get down on myself and my body because, despite ALL the weight I lost, I was still very unhappy with my sagging skin and body fat percentage (I didn’t work at gaining as much muscle as I should have along my journey). I became very discouraged with my flapping underarms, big belly, flabby thighs; they were all that I could see… BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL THAT WAS LEFT! That was when I started hitting the gym pretty hard. When I became pregnant, I knew my belly would only get bigger (of course!) and so I continued to work out (no harder than usual, as my OB-GYN recommended). Then coming out of my first trimester, I experienced the scariest hemorrhage ever. I thought I almost lost my son. I stopped going to the gym because I felt like the hemorrhage was my fault (even though everyone told me it wasn’t) and I became inactive again and started to eat whatever I ‘craved’… then it went downhill from there.

     Now, I know some of you reading may get concerned about the body image talk (oh no, Jen is anorexic) but that is definitely not the case. I am FAR from it! It’s just that this is why I joined the BOOBS. I have contemplated plastic surgery (mostly tummy tuck, but breast implants would be nice) and I am just at the point to where I need to GET REAL with myself. I am so glad to have this level of accountability and to share with you all that I gained four pounds last week. But, you know what? Since Friday, I have been really doing great with my eating habits! I have tightened up. Friday was my ‘D-Day’ if you would. Shit or get off the pot! I’m glad I gave myself a little beating because I really needed it and who is best to do the job BESIDES ME! When you’re on a weight-loss journey, you can have coaches, you can have support groups, you can have gym-buddies, and you can be ‘eat perfectly’ around everyone you’re with… but when you are all alone by yourself with that box of Dove chocolate truffles (and we are ALL alone at one point or another), you are really the ONLY person you have to answer to, the ONLY person you are accountable for.

     I have to tell you, my husband ordered a papa john’s pizza at 11pm last night and I did not have ONE BITE of it! It took some serious restraint because he ate it in bed next to me, but I did it- I said NO. I control what I put in my own mouth. It doesn’t matter what everyone else around me is doing. I am the boss and that is why it is SO empowering to eat right and lose the weight- I am my own boss and I work for me! I can tell when I’m about to ‘fall off the wagon’ completely and last week, especially, I could feel myself hanging on by a thread but, let me tell you, I am so glad I did weigh-in last Friday and didn’t just ‘let it slide’!

     One more thing I wanted to tell ya’ll about was that I loved the fact that I went to SeaWorld yesterday with hubby and the children and saw REAL WOMEN everywhere! Let me tell you, the moms I saw at the park yesterday let it all hang out, so to speak, and they all had REAL bodies! ONLY about 5-10% (not even) of ALL the women I saw was the unrealistic, ‘media standard’, actress/supermodel lookalikes: wafer-thin, double-D cupped, looking girls with the perfect hair, shoes, make-up, and clothes, of course. So, I had an epiphany, if only 5% of the general population looks that way, why would I expect MYSELF to look like that?!  Yeah, right; as if!!!  I mean, who do we have to impress anyway?! Each other? Other women’s husbands? Who cares?!

     I mean, I know my husband loves me and thinks I’m gorgeous. Hell, he married me when I was 300 pounds! So why, then, do I set this unrealistic expectation of myself?! Let me tell you, it’s not like I want to star in the ‘people of Wal-Mart’ videos on youtube for looking like a hot mess, but I think I looked pretty darn good amongst the mass of women at the theme park yesterday. I have had two children and have experienced an EXTREME weight loss! I didn’t take care of myself for the first quarter-century of my life and I am catching up now! I need to be proud of what I have accomplished to date and remember that I am beautiful no matter how much I weigh. This type of positive thinking is what is going to keep me going and keep me taking care of myself ‘til the end! We can do it, ladies!!! J

So SICK of Being Sick!

     I cannot believe I woke up yesterday with my whole left side of my sinuses blocked, a sore throat, and lovely coughing all OVER again! ARGH!!! I just finished two weeks of antibiotics (strong ones, too) and I was starting to feel better, but now I am back to square one. Head pounding, dizzy spells, allergy symptoms… I am SO SICK of being sick!!! Want to know the cherry on top of this sinus infection sundae?! That’s right, you guessed it, a cherry alright: my frickin’ period!!! My face is broken out, I feel fat and bloated, and it’s like a crime scene in my pants AND my bathroom. (By the way, I figure since I’m blogging now and putting all my feelings out there for everyone to see, F*** IT! You’re getting all the gory details whether you like it or not! LOL. Hey, at least you're not getting pictures! HAHA)

     Plus, is it just me or do you all feel like when you’re on your period EVERYONE knows it?! (Not just all my fellow BOOBS that see me posting it in my internet blog, of course!) I mean, EVERYONE hears me unwrapping my tampons in the bathroom, everyone sees me sneaking Girl Scout cookies in the break-room, and everyone knows my pizza face means my hormones are a’ raging! Why don’t I just wear a scarlet letter ‘P’ on my shoulder?! This blows... and it happens EVERY month! Can I just say that MEN SUCK because THEY don’t have to deal with this every month?! Well, they do in a way… but not they, themselves! (Oh, now my PMS-ing is quite apparent to you all, heh?!)

     So, WHY is all this relevant to you, my new-found wonderful weight-loss buds? Well, because everything in my body, from my sinuses to my ovaries, is telling me that: 1) I am not capable of killing myself in the gym and getting back into a workout routine yet (ARGH), and 2) I feel like eating obscene amounts of junk food in an effort to ‘make myself feel better’. About three weeks ago, I started two weeks of antibiotics, which one of the ‘side effects’ was tendonitis so I knew I couldn’t strain myself or do any weight-lifting. About four weeks ago, I was on my period (of course) so I was pretty miserable and starting to get sick and NOW it seems like this god-awful cycle has started all over again!

     What I want to know is, how do you all deal with it?! I mean, I have heard that working out through your cramps and period can actually help with menstrual pain, but don’t you just feel like curling up in bed with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s instead?! I need ideas- inspiration! I feel bad because I’m not working out so I don’t start working out, but I know if I did that I would probably feel a lot better… but not at first, I would mostly feel better in the long-run… SIGH (grabs another piece of sugar free Russell Stover’s chocolate) Oh yeah, and happy almost Valentine’s Day- it’s certainly red all over for me! ;) Lord know my husband’s not gettin’ any tomorrow (God bless the poor man)!

Where Do I Begin?!

     Well, 3 glasses of wine in to my exciting Saturday evening in (grading papers online and waiting for my husband to come home from work), I decided to finally look over my colleague Stephanie J.’s blog page. She had told me about the wonderful women she shared her lap band experiences with via blog pages, as well as the amazing time you all had together in Chicago this past year, but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw on your site today. I am floored. I have only read about 4 or 5 recent postings by members but I must say that I am really amazed at the extraordinary stories you all share. I am a Facebook member but, aside from the superficial status updates I occasionally post, I have never written a blog before and I have NEVER posted such personal information on the internet… especially for others to see whom I have never even met before! :)

     As I told Stephanie, I have not had a lap band surgery. However, I have experienced extreme weight loss (over 100 pounds!) and wanted to start blogging so that I can: 1) be part of a support group of women who have been successful in their weight loss efforts and 2) join you all this year on your next trip to meet women across the country who have persevered and reclaimed their own health through extraordinary measures. Although I am not technically a ‘band’ babe, I hope you all will accept me in to your tight-knit group because I would honestly be honored to associate myself with such strong, motivated, beautiful women!

     To share a bit about myself, I have always been a ‘chunky monkey’, since I was at least 6 years old when my parents moved us back home to the U.S. I was born in Massachusetts and lived in England/Germany for my first 5-6 years. THEN, my parents wanted me to come ‘home’ to start grade school. I came home as skinny as a rail and white as a ghost (not a whole lot of sun-bathing and gratuitous snacking happening in England back in the 80’s). Unfortunately, I met my fate of becoming a typical American: I was obsessed with food at every social event and constantly asking myself the question, “What can I eat next?”

     So, to make a long story short, I fattened up pretty quickly. My mom could (or never wanted to) say no to me.

     Well, needless to say, I passed out after my last sentence (and I think FOURTH glass of wine!). Great, for those of you who don’t know me very well, which is pretty much all of you at this point, now think that I’m an alcoholic! Oh well! :) I hope you love me anyway!

     To go into a bit of my weight loss journey, I started almost 4 years ago (next month). I went to my annual OB-GYN check-up. He took my blood pressure and said I could pretty much stroke out at any moment. I think it was in the 160s/100s. He also delivered my daughter over one year before that appointment and told me that I would not be here on this earth much longer if I continued my eating habits and path of self-destruction. He pretty much scared the crap out of me.

     I went running straight to the ER. I had also been having chest pains (a new stressful job and raising my first child, buying my first home, etc.) WELL, in case you didn’t already know this, if you go into the ER and tell them you are having chest pains they take that VERY seriously! (I really had no idea!) So, a lot of testing and 3 or 4 hours later (EKGs, chest x-rays, etc.), they said I was fine… just overweight (thank you, Captain Obvious!)

     After a LOT of crying with my husband and my parents while I was gowned up in the hospital, I headed home. I also suffered from some back pain around this time too (attempted spinal gone wrong during my c-section with my daughter). I knew I couldn’t really ‘hit the gym hard’ (also knee problems), but there was one thing I could do… STOP PUTTING JUNK IN MY MOUTH. Let me tell you, everything came to a SCREECHING halt. I mean, NO more junk food at all: no cupcakes, no candy, no sweets, no soda, no ice cream, no chips (one of my MAJOR weaknesses)… if it didn’t have some solid nutritional value, there was no way in hell I would eat it. I valued my LIFE. I wanted to life for myself and for my daughter. I was done.

     In spite of everyone around me continuing on about their business as usual by eating their normal junk food, leaving cakes in the refrigerator right in FRONT of my fat face, I persevered. I consumed about 1,000 calories per day. I ate to live, not lived to eat. Guess what?! It worked!!! I didn’t document my journey as well as many of you have done in your blogs with charts or diaries. I never had a SPECIFIC goal in mind- a ‘number’. My only goal was health and to LIVE.

     At my heaviest, when I gave birth to my daughter, I weighed 315 pounds. At my lowest (before I just got pregnant with my baby boy), I was down to 169!!! That is the smallest I had been since MIDDLE SCHOOL. It was crazy! I felt great- on top of the world! I was working out 2-3 times per week IN THE GYM (imagine that!) and eating more of the types of foods I wanted because my metabolism was on a RAMPAGE!

     Now, here is where you guys come in! :) Obviously, when you’re pregnant, you gain weight, which I CERTAINLY did. After my son was born July 2010, I lost almost all of it in 2 months (I started eating right and was breastfeeding). But, I have been on quite the holiday rollercoaster at my house. Sweets and junk galore! I have managed to stay pretty reasonable but the scale is going up again (it was 180 this morning) and I am getting extremely discouraged. I don’t even really know if I want to LOSE weight, so calorie restriction isn’t really the answer… but I am definitely not in my health zone like I was when I was losing. I have to get back there…

     Ok, well, I think that’s my first blog. I mean, I can’t possibly give you my life story in 2 pages!!!  I really hope that I haven’t lost all of you readers at this point. I told Stephanie I feel like I am crashing on your guys’ blog. I have just heard such great things about all of you and the support you provide one another and I would love to be a part of it. Ok, I’m going to start stalking… I mean, FOLLOWING, all of you guys now :) I hope you’ll follow me too. MORE to come! :)